Rough Patch

Yeah, so about that whole staying positive...I'm really trying, but it's hard. It's been a rough few weeks. Adjusting to life without my day has been difficult for all of us. Today, I'm home sick because as usual my immune system is shit. Caught some nasty virus. It just seems like one thing after another. Car problems, problems around the house, everyone getting sick, financial crap...an overload for us all. We take one mountain at a time, however frustrating it may be.

With all my health problems, I am a bit concerned. I don't want to lose my job, but there are some days when I just can't function at home, forget about working. I'm glad they have been understanding thus far. I pray that they keep being understanding.

At the end of the day, I'm really fortunate to have friends and family who love Alex and I. They have been here for us and I truly appreciate it.

Eulogy for My Father

For those who don't know, my father passed away 9/17/11. Here's is my Eulogy I wrote:

Most people never have the opportunity to see an angel, or simply do not look well enough to see them walking among us. This however does not mean they don't exist. Me, I'm one of the lucky few, not only have I seen an angel, I got to call him my best friend. My father was truly my best friend. I talked to him about everything, called him several times a day, even though I always saw him nearly every day. I’m what most would identify as a “daddy’s girl”. My friends used to pick on me because I would call him and no matter how silly the request I had, my dad would oblige. I always tried to express my appreciation to him, but somehow it feels like it was never enough. He touched the lives of everyone he met and would strike up conversation with anyone, anywhere. People, who haven’t seen him in years or have only met him once or twice, can look back fondly and remember the effect he had on them with his positivity and kindness. He was a laid-back person, who rarely got angry or raised his voice. I can count on one hand the times he yelled at me and remember each occasion, because they were so rare. He was overall an amazing human being, there are other good men out there I’m sure, but to me there is no man better than my father. The kind of man who woke up every morning to clean off our cars and the one morning I woke up early to do it for him, he got upset because I was sick and shouldn’t be exerting myself too much. The kind of man, who would make pancakes and take a tray up to my mother when she didn’t feel like coming downstairs. The kind of person that we should all aspire to be. Kind, thoughtful, generous, gentle, intelligent, strong….Amazing. He loved all of us, all of his family so much and it was never hard to see. He always made it blatantly apparent that we were the world to him.
I’ve dreaded this day my whole life. I truly believed that when my dad died, I would just die too because I wouldn’t be able to handle life without him. I was partially right because a big piece of me has died and will never come back. But dad being the man he was, made sure to give me enough strength to make it through one moment at a time. I really believe that he is sustaining me during this difficult time and I hope one day I will grow to become more like him.

Lazy Hazy Day

Today has been rough. I'm feeling very disoriented and out of it. My head pain is still at a maximum, but I still found time to enjoy myself.

Spent some time with my new nephew Asher:










Now Alex is home for the day and we're just kicking back, relaxing and watching movies.




Here's hoping for a better weekend.

Life Changes

Well for those of you who don't know a lot has changed in my life. In November of last year (2010), I had what you would call a nervous breakdown. I was just completely overwhelmed by financial problems, medical problems, and mental health problems. All of these problems kept me from focusing on doing what was most important which is taking care of myself and Alexandria. Everything was slipping away from me...basic everyday care, bills, cleaning...literally everything. It hurts me to think about it, but I definitely wasn't taking very good care of myself, let alone Alexandria. I finally just broke down and realized I couldn't keep living like that and told my family I just couldn't take life in general anymore.

Since then, my parents have pulled me into being a completely different person and I am so much happier. I moved out of my home, which was very hard for me because I hate to rely on anyone and I try to be very independent. I don't like to accept help from others. I'm seeing the specialists I need to see and getting the help I need. I'm completely responsible for Alex's care, but have help and backup if I need it. Don't let me kid you, nothing is ever perfect. I have my moments where I just feel like, "What the hell was I thinking?" But I don't regret it. Because of my health issues, I still have huge financial problems, but I take that one day at a time because there is not much I can do about it.

I've been learning to say "no" to people and put myself and Alex's needs first. This is something I've never done before. I know for some it seems silly, but I am the person that CONSTANTLY is helping others out. So much so, that I would never turn anyone down and end up running myself ragged. I've learned that never give more to a person/relationship than the person/relationship gives back to you. I can't keep giving and giving of myself and get nothing in return. This has been a hugely difficult task for me. For anyone that knows me, I don't say "no" to helping people out often. I have a huge guilt complex but I've greatly improved on this and am proud of myself for it.

There are still a lot of unanswered questions and testing going on medically. They know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, but neither of those explain the left sided weakness, pain, numbness and convulsions/seizures I have going on. They've done so many tests and I am thinking that my next step will be the Mayo Clinic. However my state of mind has never been better. I try to stay positive and enjoy the wonderful aspects of my life.

I plan to post more regularly from now on. I want to make this a sort of diary of my life, that hopefully one day my daughter will look back on fondly.

Right now, I'm doing a test called an ambulatory EEG. It reads my brain waves to see if they can see what is causing my seizures. I have to wear it for three days. I've done a day and a half so far. I can't wait to get this thing off! Here's a picture of the loveliness on my head....


In all it's glory:



Cleverly hidden in a wrap:



The cute little FANNY PACK (blech) I use to carry the machine around in:

You Might Think That You Know Me...

So today after being berated by my mother on how shoddy my parenting can be and successfully angering me to no end, I thought, "Wow, even the people who THINK they know about me, really truly DO NOT know." I think there are a lot of people who think they know so much about me and how my mind works, but truly they have no clue. This is not to say that I know everything about anyone. I would NEVER assume that I really know anyone. It's absurd to think that anyone can know the intricate inner workings of another person's mind. While I think I know a lot about my daughter, I know that there a million thoughts a minute that I can never capture.

So what are some of the things that people commonly misconstrue about me? Well I decided that I'll just randomly list some contradictions of things said in no specific order. Take it for what it is.

-I don't have a "style", I just wear what I want, what is comfortable and what looks cute to me. I have no cares about what I look like to other people or what other people think about me.

-People say I'm an easy person to talk too. I really do like to listen to people and try to help or give advice on their lives and problems. I would never pry for information and just take in what they are telling me. This is why I think I'd make a good psychologist. BUT, sometimes I want to talk to my friends and family about what is going on with me too and get their advice. You'd think this was natural, but you'd be wrong.

-People assume that my extreme generosity is a negative thing. That people take advantage of me and while some have, I've NEVER regretted anything I've done for anybody. I don't have some underlying desire to be accepted or anything silly like that. I genuinely like to help people and make people happy. Sometimes things may go sour, but I hope that sometime later in their lives those people remember that I was one of the people who helped them when they needed it.

-Money is important to me. I'd like to know who can live without ANY money, even if it's other people's money. With that being said, it isn't everything. I have principles and there's a lot that I WOULDN'T do for money. I try to do the best with what I have. Sometimes I may go beyond my means, but I always prioritize and make sure what needs to be taken care of, is taken care of.

-I am a very tolerant person. I don't get angry easily. Although it seems I always speak my mind, there are a lot of times that I hold back. Whether or not this is a good thing. I don't really know. Words can be just as hurtful as physical actions. I truly don't want to hurt anyone, even if I don't really know them well. There are a lot of people who annoy the living FUCK out of me, maybe not all the time, but sometimes. I just try to deal with it because I feel the positive aspects of knowing these people outweigh the negative things that come along with knowing them. It takes a lot to push me over the edge. When that time comes you will know because I'll be cutting loose whether it be verbally or physically.

-While those that know me would say I'm outgoing and acting out all the time, I can be very shy. I like to have fun with my life and joke around. When it comes to talking about how I really feel about something I clam up. It's not because I don't trust them or that I'm scared of reactions. It's more because there are a lot of things I'd rather just keep to myself. See above point.

-I'm insecure and confident at the same time. Yes, I know this is contradictory, but I feel that anyone who truly thinks, "Hey I'm fucking PERFECT." Is most likely lying, a complete idiot or a total narcissistic assholes. I love certain things about myself...other things not so much. I feel this makes me human. If you see it as weakness and dislike me for that...well not much I can do about that.

-While I'd NEVER claim that I know everything or that I'm a genius, I'm am much smarter than most people will know. Just because I don't say anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. People often think they are getting one over on me or that I truly think that they like me, when they can't stand me. It's called being civil. It's a complicated concept for some. When it's time to call someone out on something I will, but in the meantime I like to kickback, observe and formulate. That's what I do.

-I'd like to believe that keeping my daughter alive, healthy, and happy for six years would count for something. My mother is not the only one who feels it's necessary to "help" me parent. While I appreciate the help my family, friends and others give me, I'd like to note that at the end of the day, I AM THE ONE raising my daughter. I provide for her needs and wants. No one else can EVER say they've put more physical, emotional, or financial effort into raising her than I have. I can GUAR-AN-FUCKING-TEE it. So while I'm more than open to constructive opinions, I don't really care if you think that you could do it better this way or that way. We live how we live and we like it. We don't live in squalor. She's not starving. She's not depressed. In fact, while I'm not 100% on this, I think she kind of likes me a bit. That's good enough for us, so why can't it be good enough for you?

Okay, well I think I've gone on long enough. There are many more misconceptions I'm sure, but these are the first ones to come to mind. While I don't know how important it is to others that I clear up misunderstandings about myself, I view my personal blog as a diary of sorts and it does make me feel better to get things off of my chest through creative means.

I'll leave you with this song that I got my title from.

Too Much Love??

The tightness in my chest, fluttering in my stomach, and breathlessness. I have a love/hate relationship with these feelings. I have so much love in me to share and I can find the good things in any person. So once I start getting to know someone, whether it be a lover or a friend, I feel myself connecting with them. I want to know more and I want to share myself with that person. I want them to share themselves with me. Of course that is a nice thing, but only if the other party feels the same way. I have many good friends and all of my exes except one are still friends of mine. I just can't seem to let that connection go. But sometimes, the other party doesn't want to be as close to me as I want to be with them, or they lose interest in the relationship and they drift away.

This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.

I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.

Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.

Today's The Day

I've obviously been on quite a hiatus from my blog and was feeling a little neglectful.

So as repentance I offer the following:

Today's The Day

My love
Today's the day
No one could care for you
As much as I
I've taken all of you
I know you
We've felt the heat of passion
Experienced that sadness and the laughter
Shared each others' world
But I know now
What I've always known
We've let it get too far
It's too late to avoid the pain
I was blinded by my love for you
To realize all the things that I longed for
All the times we felt
Were nothing compared to all the
Times we hurt each other
It's time
Today's the day

By Rebecca Guzman


That's all I've got for now, but I promise to put up something more later on!

Deuces.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

So, lately there has been miscellaneous drama in my various friends' respective lives. As much as I try to stay away from drama, I somehow still end up hearing about it. While I try to remain as objective as possible, view things from all points of view, and give unbiased advice...I still can't help thinking...is it really possible for a cheater to be rehabilitated? Can they learn from a mistake and make sure it never happens again in another relationship or in the same relationship? I'm a firm believer in second chances, but I can tell you from first-hand experience that once the trust in a relationship is damaged...well it's very very hard to repair. It always is in the back of your mind and truthfully I personally have never been able to get past it. Sure I may have stayed and tried to work things out, but in the end...I couldn't do it. There was just no trust.

Now I look at other people and I see a person who's cheated, their partner forgave them. They seem to be happy and are slowly moving past it. It really seems as though the will recover.

On the other hand, I see friends who cheat on practically every girl/boy they're with and just can't seem to stop themselves.

Here's what I don't get. There's a situation right now, I'm going to change the names obviously because I don't want to bust anybody out. Andrew had a girlfriend and he cheated on her with a girl named Angela. Andrew is sleeping with Angela, knowing that his close friend Marc really really likes her. Andrew breaks up with his girlfriend and starts dating Angela. Eventually Marc finds out Andrew and Angela are together. While he is pissed off at first, Marc and Andrew decide friendship is more important and still remain friends. Now might I add that Angela, Andrew and Marc are part of a much larger group of friends that always kick it together. Various dramatic things happen and they break up. Andrew still really cares about Angela, but starts messing around with other women, slowly getting over it. Messing with people's feelings in the process, but that's another story for another time....moving on...time passes, while there are little arguments here and there between Angela and Andrew, overall the group of friends remain intact. Then something crazy happens. Angela starts dating Marc! Well, Andrew is pissed and Marc justifies it saying that he's just doing to Andrew, what Andrew had done to him. My take on all this is probably irrelevant, but Angela starts to look like a slut who's looking to go where the drama is and Marc and Andrew both look like...well...idiots for lack of a better term. The problem now is that all of the group is in disarray. Whose fault is it? No one really and truthfully at this point it doesn't really matter. Andrew and Angela were wrong for what they did. Marc should know that two wrongs don't make a right. Should Marc really risk losing his friend for a girl that didn't hesitate to sleep with a guy who had a girlfriend? Time will tell. The point is cheating started it all.

To me, if you're a cheater once, odds are you'll probably do it again. I feel like if you don't really care for monogamous relationships, then don't have one. If you just want one because you like the comfortability that comes with it, but you also want some action on the side too...well, grow the fuck up. You can't have it both ways.

Random Thoughts on Long Distance Relationships

So this is something I've been pondering on now for a few months. Are long distance relationships possible? Can they work? Truth is I'm talking to someone who lives VERY far away and while I'm absolutely crazy about him, it's really hard not being able to see him, hug him, or go out on a date. However, I really don't want to stop talking to him either. He's a wonderful person, he makes me laugh and smile everyday. He's laid-back and easy going, understanding and caring. I feel like for once, I'm talking to a guy who really gets me. What more could you want in a guy?

Of course my initial thought was, "Why is it with so many men here, that I like the one that is a bajillion miles away?" My next line of thinking was, when do you get to that point where you're like, "Geez, this isn't going to work?" Because I haven't gotten there yet. I've seen many of my friends and family who have tried the whole long distance thing and in the end, it failed miserably. However, I have seen some of my friends who are separated from their spouses or significant others for LOOOONG periods of time and yet, they are immensely happy with their partners, even if they do wish they could see them in person a little (or a lot) more often.

The reason I'm questioning this is of course my own situation. It really caused me to reflect on my past thoughts and actions. In the past, I would say, "No, there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY that a long-distance thing can work at all." While I've made many fantastic friends from many different countries, it's not the same as wanting a relationship with someone so far away. I've re-evaluated myself and thought, "Am I fighting the inevitable?" Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that it is possible because I want it to be possible. But...if it is impossible, why am I still able to feel this way over someone so far away? Why is that so many of my friends can do this? It makes it seem less impossible to me. It's a conundrum I tell you. I'm trying not to get to far ahead of myself of course, because I don't want to be hurt if it doesn't work, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to hold back my feelings just because of distance.

Child Prodigies

I love classical music. It's one of those things that I truly live for. I've played piano for 20 years...NEVER, not even once did I consider it something I could make a career out of. I love to play for the love of playing. I get physically ill at the idea of performing in front of others. I've done it and it was definitely something I was glad I experienced.

I'm sure many people who have an instrument that the are proficient at, as they have worked toward mastering their craft, they have at times felt inadequate. I feel that a lot, many children started playing piano at 3 or 4 years old and where playing the same pieces as me when I was ten, because I had only started when I was eight. As I've gotten older, I've learned to love playing for myself and not criticized myself as much.

However, I could never really get the whole thought of child prodigies out of my head. I know that some children are just born with an innate gift that makes them extremely well at playing by ear, or just have a natural talent for an instrument/s. However, I cringe at the thought of a 8 or 9 year old practicing for 8-10 hours daily. It's insane. I also am realistic in knowing that compared to natural "geniuses", there are many more children whom are pushed into playing an instrument at an early age and are aggressively held to ridiculous standards by their parents. More children do it because they have to then because they love to. I am so glad that my parents never forced an instrument onto me. Because of that I was able to love music and appreciate all instruments. I also learned to play many instruments because of my own curiosity.

I thought today, I would post some of my FAVORITE classical songs, played by children prodigies. I truly hope you enjoy.




This is Henryk Wieniawski - Scherzo Tarantelle, and is EXTREMELY difficult to play. It is said the Wieniawski is one of the most difficult composers to play on violin.







This is Liszt - La campanella an amazing piano song.







Chopin - Fantaisie Impromptu. Chopin is one of my favorite composers. <3







Okay and while there are MANY more, here is my final one, from the movie The Red Violin (If you haven't seen, you seriously should. Excellent film. Stars Samuel L Jackson)...anyhoo, they have a slew of young boys playing this song written just for the movie. It's eerily catchy and I loves it! Music of the song starts around one minute, and I could not find another video except this one, they would not let me embed it, so I posted just the link. Sorry :(


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoFT5Kr3pRA

Baby Daddy Drama

First of all, I hate this term. Baby Daddy, Baby momma...how about the mother of my child or the father of my child...or Alex's dad or Alex's mom? The term itself is diminishing and WE ALL know it has a negative connotation to it.

So why am I bringing this up? I have been guilty of complaining about Alex's dad, but when reflecting on it, things could be a lot worse. I guess I look at some of my male friends who are excellent fathers and get the shaft. Other male friends are not, but constantly complain about the women that they leave their child in the care of. I look at some of my female friends and they have children whose fathers are amazing, but they still constantly complain. I also have female friends who don't have their children often, but constantly complain about the man they leave their child in the care of.

Something about this drives me crazy. I know that relationships don't always work out, or that the child was not planned in a relationship that wasn't meant to be forever. That's okay. But the primary focus should be on the happiness and well being of the child. It would be awesome if both parents were involved and could get along well, but it doesn't always happen like that. Complaining about too much involvement or lack there of is not going to help change anything and is probably harming your child.

I have to admit I've seen some pretty unfair situations. One friend has a child he takes half of the time, pays for the child's private education and extracurricular activites. On top of this he is an amazing father who cherishes his child very much. He pays child support. Does that seem fair? Not really, but he doesn't care. What irks me is that this child's mother is not appreciative and is constantly complaining about how he is not doing enough, when it's obvious to even the stupidest person that he is going well above and beyond expectations.

On the flip side I have female friends, who once they got pregnant, never saw that child's father. The father sees the child once in a great while, but yet he feels he has the right to consistently question the way she is raising "their" child. Ummm...if you don't do anything, then you have NO RIGHT to question how she does things.

I guess the point of all this is that no matter how tough of a situation is, it could ALWAYS be worse. I give big props to ALL of my friends with children, who I know do the best they can to be the best parents they can. I'm in no way trying to offend anyone. I just ask that before we (yes I need to do it too) start to point fingers or complain or start problems or argue, that we think about whether or not it is really going to accomplish anything and if it is in some way going to benefit you or your child. If not, then it's probably better off not said.

Song of the Soul

This is an old song, Song of the Soul by Criss Williamson. This song holds so many memories for me. I went to girl scout camp for only two summers, but I still remember us singing this with the almost eerie feeling in the air when everyone sang it together and my sister playing guitar. Everyone felt happy and connected. It was an amazing moment that I will never forget. I feel like this song is just a really uplifting positive song, that feels good to sing. I sing it to my daughter all the time. Maybe sometime I'll record it and show it to you all, but not today. You'll have to settle for this....


Here are the lyrics:
Song of the Soul
(Cris Williamson)

Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul

Chorus: And we'll sing this song
Why don't you sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
Why don't you sing this song
Then we can sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time

What do you do for a living
Are you forgiving, giving shelter
Follow your heart, love will find you
Truth will unbind you
Seek out a song of the soul

Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore yer, you can be happy
Let in the light, it will heal you
And you can feel you
Sing out a song of the soul

Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul




AND the video

The Unanswerable Question

So I've been contemplating recently on a very debatable topic. Are people born gay, or do they become this way? I in no way want to debate with anyone about this. I have 5 gay immediate family members as well as many gay friends. So no one can deny my love, respect and want for equality towards the LGBT community.

I do think it's crazy that all of my siblings are gay except me. So, is it genetic? Were they born that way? Some things make me think that. One person I know displayed feminist traits from a very young age (it was a male). He never really went with the popular thing, preferred gardening and baking to getting dirty and stuff. He never showed interest in girls really. One girl I know dated some guys, but never seemed to really like them. Always seemed more comfortable around women. (For someone like me who feels comfortable with all different types of people I can tell.) Does that make them gay from the start?

I don't know. I see situations, where I feel the outcome may have been different if the upbringing had been different. For example, one girl I know grew up very sheltered. With her mother always being EXTREMELY overprotective. It was imprinted in this girl's mind from a very young age to never be alone with men and to be wary of them. Did this influence her to lose interest in men altogether? Another girl I know was never allowed to go out. Especially with boys. She was only allowed to go out once in a while with her girl friends. Did this make her not even want to get to know any guys, or was she already this way?

I'm not brewing theories or even attempting to answer these questions myself. Truly I feel that there is no answer for this question unless scientists can prove it's genetic, which they haven't yet. I like to believe that it is a combination of circumstance as well as something that you are born with. Maybe that's why some people end up bi. I don't know. Just something I've been thinking about lately.

Mental Musings

So yea, It's been awhile. As I'm sure many people who know me are well aware...my mental state hasn't been what one would call healthy for awhile now. While I'm not like certifiable or anything, I have been pretty down in the dumps and super anxious too boot. My leg shaking is getting on people's nerves at work.

I just let things get to me way too much. I fret over EVERYTHING. So when something really big happens I freak the hell out. I've been like this forever. I've always let everything just roll off. I constantly play the nice guy and get shat on. Turn the other cheek right? But after years of getting metaphorically bitch slapped, I guess it's starting to finally get to me. Some of my friends and family understand. Others are like, well what is the underlying issue here? What brought this on? Can't they fix this? I want to shake the shit out of these people. I truly don't like feeling this way.

I would stop feeling like this if I could. I'm doing what I need to be doing to function and take care of myself and my daughter. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need to be INSTANTLY cured? Can't I just be this other Rebecca for a while until I get these things straightened out? Apparently not. I'm supposed to act freaking happy go lucky and fake until the sun goes down and just bottle the shit up until I am certifiable. FUCK THAT. I have always and FOREVER will be myself. Me. Rebecca Anne-Louise Guzman, born 5/5/81. Don't take that away from me.

I'm going to take my time and make sure I recover properly. I'm going to take my time and make sure that I'm happy with me.

So why am I going on about this? Well for starters, I guess it's to let people know what I am really going through.

I have fibromyalgia. The best way I can describe it is very painful. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia for better definition) I have had it well managed for years but recently with everything happening, I have been in more pain then ever. The only reason I'm not crying in a corner now is because of my wonderful doctor who is helping me with a good combination of medications through all of this. Also, I've been eating pretty healthy and doing yoga/meditation which has helped a lot. One of the most common things with fibro is depression and sleep problems. Hence taking me back to why the hell I'm like this right now.

Also, I'm going through a very hard time with someone I truly love and spent a long time with. He is a wonderful person and has been amazing to me and my daughter. We are trying hard to work through everything, he's still amazing to Alex, and we truly want to make it out of this in the end at the very least as friends. Well that has been a long, hard, stressful road for both of us.

Thirdly, I have friends and family whom have issues going on as well. Like I said earlier, I fret over everything. Even though I know I shouldn't. So all these little problems they're having get to me because I just want them to be happy.

On top of that, throw in raising my child to be happy and normal, working full time, and going to school full-time and voila....you have crazy person Rebecca.

Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my amazing friends and family all of whom have been immensely understanding and completely have been there for me when I need it. I love you more than words can describe.

Thanks for reading! Keep strong, be yourself and be real.

Crazy Things

I don't know why, but I pay attention to the craziest things and find myself thinking about people and why they do what they do. Yesterday I saw a 15 or something year old girl with a group of her friends out taking a walk with her baby. She was carrying the baby over one arm in a position that is certainly not one which is for a baby. It was 11 o'clock and chilly, but all the baby had on was a onesie. The baby started crying after they sat down on someone's porch. I can't help thinking to myself, why when birth control is free from Planned Parenthood (and it is, they also are private and will not call your parents if you are underage. I should know, I used it) do kids think it's a good ideas to have babies. Obviously, as apparent by alot of evidence, that rarely do teenagers know what they are doing when it comes to raising babies. I mean granted, there are always exceptions, but shit I was 23 with an unplanned pregnancy and I felt lost. Then we wonder why there are shaken babies and why it's so hard for people to get government assitance. All of this I thought in like a 10 minute period.

I sometimes wonder if I'm just being too judgemental. I don't even know this girl. I don't know anything about anything, but I still find myself wondering about crazy things.

Melisa

I saw this on my friend Andy's facebook. This girl is amazing, skip to the 90 second mark to start hearing the music.

Lazy Days....

So this is the first day of my blog. I'm at home with Alex because she isn't feeling well today. I'm worried about missing work, but truly I probably have nothing to worry about since my co-worker misses like at least one day every week.

So right now, I just want to start off by saying that I don't really expect too many people to check out my blog, but I like it because it is a way for me to keep up with my family and friends. It will mostly be my own random thoughts, catching up on our life (me and Alex, my daughter) and maybe some of my writing.

So anyways off to the gas station with my love and to play virtual sushi (my favorite game right now!) have a wonderful day!