Friday, December 4, 2009
So this is something I've been pondering on now for a few months. Are long distance relationships possible? Can they work? Truth is I'm talking to someone who lives VERY far away and while I'm absolutely crazy about him, it's really hard not being able to see him, hug him, or go out on a date. However, I really don't want to stop talking to him either. He's a wonderful person, he makes me laugh and smile everyday. He's laid-back and easy going, understanding and caring. I feel like for once, I'm talking to a guy who really gets me. What more could you want in a guy?
Of course my initial thought was, "Why is it with so many men here, that I like the one that is a bajillion miles away?" My next line of thinking was, when do you get to that point where you're like, "Geez, this isn't going to work?" Because I haven't gotten there yet. I've seen many of my friends and family who have tried the whole long distance thing and in the end, it failed miserably. However, I have seen some of my friends who are separated from their spouses or significant others for LOOOONG periods of time and yet, they are immensely happy with their partners, even if they do wish they could see them in person a little (or a lot) more often.
The reason I'm questioning this is of course my own situation. It really caused me to reflect on my past thoughts and actions. In the past, I would say, "No, there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY that a long-distance thing can work at all." While I've made many fantastic friends from many different countries, it's not the same as wanting a relationship with someone so far away. I've re-evaluated myself and thought, "Am I fighting the inevitable?" Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that it is possible because I want it to be possible. But...if it is impossible, why am I still able to feel this way over someone so far away? Why is that so many of my friends can do this? It makes it seem less impossible to me. It's a conundrum I tell you. I'm trying not to get to far ahead of myself of course, because I don't want to be hurt if it doesn't work, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to hold back my feelings just because of distance.
Of course my initial thought was, "Why is it with so many men here, that I like the one that is a bajillion miles away?" My next line of thinking was, when do you get to that point where you're like, "Geez, this isn't going to work?" Because I haven't gotten there yet. I've seen many of my friends and family who have tried the whole long distance thing and in the end, it failed miserably. However, I have seen some of my friends who are separated from their spouses or significant others for LOOOONG periods of time and yet, they are immensely happy with their partners, even if they do wish they could see them in person a little (or a lot) more often.
The reason I'm questioning this is of course my own situation. It really caused me to reflect on my past thoughts and actions. In the past, I would say, "No, there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY that a long-distance thing can work at all." While I've made many fantastic friends from many different countries, it's not the same as wanting a relationship with someone so far away. I've re-evaluated myself and thought, "Am I fighting the inevitable?" Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that it is possible because I want it to be possible. But...if it is impossible, why am I still able to feel this way over someone so far away? Why is that so many of my friends can do this? It makes it seem less impossible to me. It's a conundrum I tell you. I'm trying not to get to far ahead of myself of course, because I don't want to be hurt if it doesn't work, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to hold back my feelings just because of distance.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I love classical music. It's one of those things that I truly live for. I've played piano for 20 years...NEVER, not even once did I consider it something I could make a career out of. I love to play for the love of playing. I get physically ill at the idea of performing in front of others. I've done it and it was definitely something I was glad I experienced.
I'm sure many people who have an instrument that the are proficient at, as they have worked toward mastering their craft, they have at times felt inadequate. I feel that a lot, many children started playing piano at 3 or 4 years old and where playing the same pieces as me when I was ten, because I had only started when I was eight. As I've gotten older, I've learned to love playing for myself and not criticized myself as much.
However, I could never really get the whole thought of child prodigies out of my head. I know that some children are just born with an innate gift that makes them extremely well at playing by ear, or just have a natural talent for an instrument/s. However, I cringe at the thought of a 8 or 9 year old practicing for 8-10 hours daily. It's insane. I also am realistic in knowing that compared to natural "geniuses", there are many more children whom are pushed into playing an instrument at an early age and are aggressively held to ridiculous standards by their parents. More children do it because they have to then because they love to. I am so glad that my parents never forced an instrument onto me. Because of that I was able to love music and appreciate all instruments. I also learned to play many instruments because of my own curiosity.
I thought today, I would post some of my FAVORITE classical songs, played by children prodigies. I truly hope you enjoy.
This is Henryk Wieniawski - Scherzo Tarantelle, and is EXTREMELY difficult to play. It is said the Wieniawski is one of the most difficult composers to play on violin.
This is Liszt - La campanella an amazing piano song.
Chopin - Fantaisie Impromptu. Chopin is one of my favorite composers. <3
Okay and while there are MANY more, here is my final one, from the movie The Red Violin (If you haven't seen, you seriously should. Excellent film. Stars Samuel L Jackson)...anyhoo, they have a slew of young boys playing this song written just for the movie. It's eerily catchy and I loves it! Music of the song starts around one minute, and I could not find another video except this one, they would not let me embed it, so I posted just the link. Sorry :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoFT5Kr3pRA
I'm sure many people who have an instrument that the are proficient at, as they have worked toward mastering their craft, they have at times felt inadequate. I feel that a lot, many children started playing piano at 3 or 4 years old and where playing the same pieces as me when I was ten, because I had only started when I was eight. As I've gotten older, I've learned to love playing for myself and not criticized myself as much.
However, I could never really get the whole thought of child prodigies out of my head. I know that some children are just born with an innate gift that makes them extremely well at playing by ear, or just have a natural talent for an instrument/s. However, I cringe at the thought of a 8 or 9 year old practicing for 8-10 hours daily. It's insane. I also am realistic in knowing that compared to natural "geniuses", there are many more children whom are pushed into playing an instrument at an early age and are aggressively held to ridiculous standards by their parents. More children do it because they have to then because they love to. I am so glad that my parents never forced an instrument onto me. Because of that I was able to love music and appreciate all instruments. I also learned to play many instruments because of my own curiosity.
I thought today, I would post some of my FAVORITE classical songs, played by children prodigies. I truly hope you enjoy.
This is Henryk Wieniawski - Scherzo Tarantelle, and is EXTREMELY difficult to play. It is said the Wieniawski is one of the most difficult composers to play on violin.
This is Liszt - La campanella an amazing piano song.
Chopin - Fantaisie Impromptu. Chopin is one of my favorite composers. <3
Okay and while there are MANY more, here is my final one, from the movie The Red Violin (If you haven't seen, you seriously should. Excellent film. Stars Samuel L Jackson)...anyhoo, they have a slew of young boys playing this song written just for the movie. It's eerily catchy and I loves it! Music of the song starts around one minute, and I could not find another video except this one, they would not let me embed it, so I posted just the link. Sorry :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoFT5Kr3pRA
Saturday, September 19, 2009
First of all, I hate this term. Baby Daddy, Baby momma...how about the mother of my child or the father of my child...or Alex's dad or Alex's mom? The term itself is diminishing and WE ALL know it has a negative connotation to it.
So why am I bringing this up? I have been guilty of complaining about Alex's dad, but when reflecting on it, things could be a lot worse. I guess I look at some of my male friends who are excellent fathers and get the shaft. Other male friends are not, but constantly complain about the women that they leave their child in the care of. I look at some of my female friends and they have children whose fathers are amazing, but they still constantly complain. I also have female friends who don't have their children often, but constantly complain about the man they leave their child in the care of.
Something about this drives me crazy. I know that relationships don't always work out, or that the child was not planned in a relationship that wasn't meant to be forever. That's okay. But the primary focus should be on the happiness and well being of the child. It would be awesome if both parents were involved and could get along well, but it doesn't always happen like that. Complaining about too much involvement or lack there of is not going to help change anything and is probably harming your child.
I have to admit I've seen some pretty unfair situations. One friend has a child he takes half of the time, pays for the child's private education and extracurricular activites. On top of this he is an amazing father who cherishes his child very much. He pays child support. Does that seem fair? Not really, but he doesn't care. What irks me is that this child's mother is not appreciative and is constantly complaining about how he is not doing enough, when it's obvious to even the stupidest person that he is going well above and beyond expectations.
On the flip side I have female friends, who once they got pregnant, never saw that child's father. The father sees the child once in a great while, but yet he feels he has the right to consistently question the way she is raising "their" child. Ummm...if you don't do anything, then you have NO RIGHT to question how she does things.
I guess the point of all this is that no matter how tough of a situation is, it could ALWAYS be worse. I give big props to ALL of my friends with children, who I know do the best they can to be the best parents they can. I'm in no way trying to offend anyone. I just ask that before we (yes I need to do it too) start to point fingers or complain or start problems or argue, that we think about whether or not it is really going to accomplish anything and if it is in some way going to benefit you or your child. If not, then it's probably better off not said.
So why am I bringing this up? I have been guilty of complaining about Alex's dad, but when reflecting on it, things could be a lot worse. I guess I look at some of my male friends who are excellent fathers and get the shaft. Other male friends are not, but constantly complain about the women that they leave their child in the care of. I look at some of my female friends and they have children whose fathers are amazing, but they still constantly complain. I also have female friends who don't have their children often, but constantly complain about the man they leave their child in the care of.
Something about this drives me crazy. I know that relationships don't always work out, or that the child was not planned in a relationship that wasn't meant to be forever. That's okay. But the primary focus should be on the happiness and well being of the child. It would be awesome if both parents were involved and could get along well, but it doesn't always happen like that. Complaining about too much involvement or lack there of is not going to help change anything and is probably harming your child.
I have to admit I've seen some pretty unfair situations. One friend has a child he takes half of the time, pays for the child's private education and extracurricular activites. On top of this he is an amazing father who cherishes his child very much. He pays child support. Does that seem fair? Not really, but he doesn't care. What irks me is that this child's mother is not appreciative and is constantly complaining about how he is not doing enough, when it's obvious to even the stupidest person that he is going well above and beyond expectations.
On the flip side I have female friends, who once they got pregnant, never saw that child's father. The father sees the child once in a great while, but yet he feels he has the right to consistently question the way she is raising "their" child. Ummm...if you don't do anything, then you have NO RIGHT to question how she does things.
I guess the point of all this is that no matter how tough of a situation is, it could ALWAYS be worse. I give big props to ALL of my friends with children, who I know do the best they can to be the best parents they can. I'm in no way trying to offend anyone. I just ask that before we (yes I need to do it too) start to point fingers or complain or start problems or argue, that we think about whether or not it is really going to accomplish anything and if it is in some way going to benefit you or your child. If not, then it's probably better off not said.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
This is an old song, Song of the Soul by Criss Williamson. This song holds so many memories for me. I went to girl scout camp for only two summers, but I still remember us singing this with the almost eerie feeling in the air when everyone sang it together and my sister playing guitar. Everyone felt happy and connected. It was an amazing moment that I will never forget. I feel like this song is just a really uplifting positive song, that feels good to sing. I sing it to my daughter all the time. Maybe sometime I'll record it and show it to you all, but not today. You'll have to settle for this....
Here are the lyrics:
Song of the Soul
(Cris Williamson)
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
Chorus: And we'll sing this song
Why don't you sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
Why don't you sing this song
Then we can sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
What do you do for a living
Are you forgiving, giving shelter
Follow your heart, love will find you
Truth will unbind you
Seek out a song of the soul
Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore yer, you can be happy
Let in the light, it will heal you
And you can feel you
Sing out a song of the soul
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
AND the video
Here are the lyrics:
Song of the Soul
(Cris Williamson)
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
Chorus: And we'll sing this song
Why don't you sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
Why don't you sing this song
Then we can sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
What do you do for a living
Are you forgiving, giving shelter
Follow your heart, love will find you
Truth will unbind you
Seek out a song of the soul
Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore yer, you can be happy
Let in the light, it will heal you
And you can feel you
Sing out a song of the soul
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
AND the video
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
So I've been contemplating recently on a very debatable topic. Are people born gay, or do they become this way? I in no way want to debate with anyone about this. I have 5 gay immediate family members as well as many gay friends. So no one can deny my love, respect and want for equality towards the LGBT community.
I do think it's crazy that all of my siblings are gay except me. So, is it genetic? Were they born that way? Some things make me think that. One person I know displayed feminist traits from a very young age (it was a male). He never really went with the popular thing, preferred gardening and baking to getting dirty and stuff. He never showed interest in girls really. One girl I know dated some guys, but never seemed to really like them. Always seemed more comfortable around women. (For someone like me who feels comfortable with all different types of people I can tell.) Does that make them gay from the start?
I don't know. I see situations, where I feel the outcome may have been different if the upbringing had been different. For example, one girl I know grew up very sheltered. With her mother always being EXTREMELY overprotective. It was imprinted in this girl's mind from a very young age to never be alone with men and to be wary of them. Did this influence her to lose interest in men altogether? Another girl I know was never allowed to go out. Especially with boys. She was only allowed to go out once in a while with her girl friends. Did this make her not even want to get to know any guys, or was she already this way?
I'm not brewing theories or even attempting to answer these questions myself. Truly I feel that there is no answer for this question unless scientists can prove it's genetic, which they haven't yet. I like to believe that it is a combination of circumstance as well as something that you are born with. Maybe that's why some people end up bi. I don't know. Just something I've been thinking about lately.
I do think it's crazy that all of my siblings are gay except me. So, is it genetic? Were they born that way? Some things make me think that. One person I know displayed feminist traits from a very young age (it was a male). He never really went with the popular thing, preferred gardening and baking to getting dirty and stuff. He never showed interest in girls really. One girl I know dated some guys, but never seemed to really like them. Always seemed more comfortable around women. (For someone like me who feels comfortable with all different types of people I can tell.) Does that make them gay from the start?
I don't know. I see situations, where I feel the outcome may have been different if the upbringing had been different. For example, one girl I know grew up very sheltered. With her mother always being EXTREMELY overprotective. It was imprinted in this girl's mind from a very young age to never be alone with men and to be wary of them. Did this influence her to lose interest in men altogether? Another girl I know was never allowed to go out. Especially with boys. She was only allowed to go out once in a while with her girl friends. Did this make her not even want to get to know any guys, or was she already this way?
I'm not brewing theories or even attempting to answer these questions myself. Truly I feel that there is no answer for this question unless scientists can prove it's genetic, which they haven't yet. I like to believe that it is a combination of circumstance as well as something that you are born with. Maybe that's why some people end up bi. I don't know. Just something I've been thinking about lately.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
So yea, It's been awhile. As I'm sure many people who know me are well aware...my mental state hasn't been what one would call healthy for awhile now. While I'm not like certifiable or anything, I have been pretty down in the dumps and super anxious too boot. My leg shaking is getting on people's nerves at work.
I just let things get to me way too much. I fret over EVERYTHING. So when something really big happens I freak the hell out. I've been like this forever. I've always let everything just roll off. I constantly play the nice guy and get shat on. Turn the other cheek right? But after years of getting metaphorically bitch slapped, I guess it's starting to finally get to me. Some of my friends and family understand. Others are like, well what is the underlying issue here? What brought this on? Can't they fix this? I want to shake the shit out of these people. I truly don't like feeling this way.
I would stop feeling like this if I could. I'm doing what I need to be doing to function and take care of myself and my daughter. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need to be INSTANTLY cured? Can't I just be this other Rebecca for a while until I get these things straightened out? Apparently not. I'm supposed to act freaking happy go lucky and fake until the sun goes down and just bottle the shit up until I am certifiable. FUCK THAT. I have always and FOREVER will be myself. Me. Rebecca Anne-Louise Guzman, born 5/5/81. Don't take that away from me.
I'm going to take my time and make sure I recover properly. I'm going to take my time and make sure that I'm happy with me.
So why am I going on about this? Well for starters, I guess it's to let people know what I am really going through.
I have fibromyalgia. The best way I can describe it is very painful. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia for better definition) I have had it well managed for years but recently with everything happening, I have been in more pain then ever. The only reason I'm not crying in a corner now is because of my wonderful doctor who is helping me with a good combination of medications through all of this. Also, I've been eating pretty healthy and doing yoga/meditation which has helped a lot. One of the most common things with fibro is depression and sleep problems. Hence taking me back to why the hell I'm like this right now.
Also, I'm going through a very hard time with someone I truly love and spent a long time with. He is a wonderful person and has been amazing to me and my daughter. We are trying hard to work through everything, he's still amazing to Alex, and we truly want to make it out of this in the end at the very least as friends. Well that has been a long, hard, stressful road for both of us.
Thirdly, I have friends and family whom have issues going on as well. Like I said earlier, I fret over everything. Even though I know I shouldn't. So all these little problems they're having get to me because I just want them to be happy.
On top of that, throw in raising my child to be happy and normal, working full time, and going to school full-time and voila....you have crazy person Rebecca.
Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my amazing friends and family all of whom have been immensely understanding and completely have been there for me when I need it. I love you more than words can describe.
Thanks for reading! Keep strong, be yourself and be real.
I just let things get to me way too much. I fret over EVERYTHING. So when something really big happens I freak the hell out. I've been like this forever. I've always let everything just roll off. I constantly play the nice guy and get shat on. Turn the other cheek right? But after years of getting metaphorically bitch slapped, I guess it's starting to finally get to me. Some of my friends and family understand. Others are like, well what is the underlying issue here? What brought this on? Can't they fix this? I want to shake the shit out of these people. I truly don't like feeling this way.
I would stop feeling like this if I could. I'm doing what I need to be doing to function and take care of myself and my daughter. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need to be INSTANTLY cured? Can't I just be this other Rebecca for a while until I get these things straightened out? Apparently not. I'm supposed to act freaking happy go lucky and fake until the sun goes down and just bottle the shit up until I am certifiable. FUCK THAT. I have always and FOREVER will be myself. Me. Rebecca Anne-Louise Guzman, born 5/5/81. Don't take that away from me.
I'm going to take my time and make sure I recover properly. I'm going to take my time and make sure that I'm happy with me.
So why am I going on about this? Well for starters, I guess it's to let people know what I am really going through.
I have fibromyalgia. The best way I can describe it is very painful. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia for better definition) I have had it well managed for years but recently with everything happening, I have been in more pain then ever. The only reason I'm not crying in a corner now is because of my wonderful doctor who is helping me with a good combination of medications through all of this. Also, I've been eating pretty healthy and doing yoga/meditation which has helped a lot. One of the most common things with fibro is depression and sleep problems. Hence taking me back to why the hell I'm like this right now.
Also, I'm going through a very hard time with someone I truly love and spent a long time with. He is a wonderful person and has been amazing to me and my daughter. We are trying hard to work through everything, he's still amazing to Alex, and we truly want to make it out of this in the end at the very least as friends. Well that has been a long, hard, stressful road for both of us.
Thirdly, I have friends and family whom have issues going on as well. Like I said earlier, I fret over everything. Even though I know I shouldn't. So all these little problems they're having get to me because I just want them to be happy.
On top of that, throw in raising my child to be happy and normal, working full time, and going to school full-time and voila....you have crazy person Rebecca.
Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my amazing friends and family all of whom have been immensely understanding and completely have been there for me when I need it. I love you more than words can describe.
Thanks for reading! Keep strong, be yourself and be real.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I don't know why, but I pay attention to the craziest things and find myself thinking about people and why they do what they do. Yesterday I saw a 15 or something year old girl with a group of her friends out taking a walk with her baby. She was carrying the baby over one arm in a position that is certainly not one which is for a baby. It was 11 o'clock and chilly, but all the baby had on was a onesie. The baby started crying after they sat down on someone's porch. I can't help thinking to myself, why when birth control is free from Planned Parenthood (and it is, they also are private and will not call your parents if you are underage. I should know, I used it) do kids think it's a good ideas to have babies. Obviously, as apparent by alot of evidence, that rarely do teenagers know what they are doing when it comes to raising babies. I mean granted, there are always exceptions, but shit I was 23 with an unplanned pregnancy and I felt lost. Then we wonder why there are shaken babies and why it's so hard for people to get government assitance. All of this I thought in like a 10 minute period.
I sometimes wonder if I'm just being too judgemental. I don't even know this girl. I don't know anything about anything, but I still find myself wondering about crazy things.
I sometimes wonder if I'm just being too judgemental. I don't even know this girl. I don't know anything about anything, but I still find myself wondering about crazy things.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I saw this on my friend Andy's facebook. This girl is amazing, skip to the 90 second mark to start hearing the music.
So this is the first day of my blog. I'm at home with Alex because she isn't feeling well today. I'm worried about missing work, but truly I probably have nothing to worry about since my co-worker misses like at least one day every week.
So right now, I just want to start off by saying that I don't really expect too many people to check out my blog, but I like it because it is a way for me to keep up with my family and friends. It will mostly be my own random thoughts, catching up on our life (me and Alex, my daughter) and maybe some of my writing.
So anyways off to the gas station with my love and to play virtual sushi (my favorite game right now!) have a wonderful day!
So right now, I just want to start off by saying that I don't really expect too many people to check out my blog, but I like it because it is a way for me to keep up with my family and friends. It will mostly be my own random thoughts, catching up on our life (me and Alex, my daughter) and maybe some of my writing.
So anyways off to the gas station with my love and to play virtual sushi (my favorite game right now!) have a wonderful day!
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