Mental Musings

So yea, It's been awhile. As I'm sure many people who know me are well aware...my mental state hasn't been what one would call healthy for awhile now. While I'm not like certifiable or anything, I have been pretty down in the dumps and super anxious too boot. My leg shaking is getting on people's nerves at work.

I just let things get to me way too much. I fret over EVERYTHING. So when something really big happens I freak the hell out. I've been like this forever. I've always let everything just roll off. I constantly play the nice guy and get shat on. Turn the other cheek right? But after years of getting metaphorically bitch slapped, I guess it's starting to finally get to me. Some of my friends and family understand. Others are like, well what is the underlying issue here? What brought this on? Can't they fix this? I want to shake the shit out of these people. I truly don't like feeling this way.

I would stop feeling like this if I could. I'm doing what I need to be doing to function and take care of myself and my daughter. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need to be INSTANTLY cured? Can't I just be this other Rebecca for a while until I get these things straightened out? Apparently not. I'm supposed to act freaking happy go lucky and fake until the sun goes down and just bottle the shit up until I am certifiable. FUCK THAT. I have always and FOREVER will be myself. Me. Rebecca Anne-Louise Guzman, born 5/5/81. Don't take that away from me.

I'm going to take my time and make sure I recover properly. I'm going to take my time and make sure that I'm happy with me.

So why am I going on about this? Well for starters, I guess it's to let people know what I am really going through.

I have fibromyalgia. The best way I can describe it is very painful. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia for better definition) I have had it well managed for years but recently with everything happening, I have been in more pain then ever. The only reason I'm not crying in a corner now is because of my wonderful doctor who is helping me with a good combination of medications through all of this. Also, I've been eating pretty healthy and doing yoga/meditation which has helped a lot. One of the most common things with fibro is depression and sleep problems. Hence taking me back to why the hell I'm like this right now.

Also, I'm going through a very hard time with someone I truly love and spent a long time with. He is a wonderful person and has been amazing to me and my daughter. We are trying hard to work through everything, he's still amazing to Alex, and we truly want to make it out of this in the end at the very least as friends. Well that has been a long, hard, stressful road for both of us.

Thirdly, I have friends and family whom have issues going on as well. Like I said earlier, I fret over everything. Even though I know I shouldn't. So all these little problems they're having get to me because I just want them to be happy.

On top of that, throw in raising my child to be happy and normal, working full time, and going to school full-time and voila....you have crazy person Rebecca.

Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my amazing friends and family all of whom have been immensely understanding and completely have been there for me when I need it. I love you more than words can describe.

Thanks for reading! Keep strong, be yourself and be real.