Thursday, October 20, 2011
Yeah, so about that whole staying positive...I'm really trying, but it's hard. It's been a rough few weeks. Adjusting to life without my day has been difficult for all of us. Today, I'm home sick because as usual my immune system is shit. Caught some nasty virus. It just seems like one thing after another. Car problems, problems around the house, everyone getting sick, financial crap...an overload for us all. We take one mountain at a time, however frustrating it may be.
With all my health problems, I am a bit concerned. I don't want to lose my job, but there are some days when I just can't function at home, forget about working. I'm glad they have been understanding thus far. I pray that they keep being understanding.
At the end of the day, I'm really fortunate to have friends and family who love Alex and I. They have been here for us and I truly appreciate it.
With all my health problems, I am a bit concerned. I don't want to lose my job, but there are some days when I just can't function at home, forget about working. I'm glad they have been understanding thus far. I pray that they keep being understanding.
At the end of the day, I'm really fortunate to have friends and family who love Alex and I. They have been here for us and I truly appreciate it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
For those who don't know, my father passed away 9/17/11. Here's is my Eulogy I wrote:
Most people never have the opportunity to see an angel, or simply do not look well enough to see them walking among us. This however does not mean they don't exist. Me, I'm one of the lucky few, not only have I seen an angel, I got to call him my best friend. My father was truly my best friend. I talked to him about everything, called him several times a day, even though I always saw him nearly every day. I’m what most would identify as a “daddy’s girl”. My friends used to pick on me because I would call him and no matter how silly the request I had, my dad would oblige. I always tried to express my appreciation to him, but somehow it feels like it was never enough. He touched the lives of everyone he met and would strike up conversation with anyone, anywhere. People, who haven’t seen him in years or have only met him once or twice, can look back fondly and remember the effect he had on them with his positivity and kindness. He was a laid-back person, who rarely got angry or raised his voice. I can count on one hand the times he yelled at me and remember each occasion, because they were so rare. He was overall an amazing human being, there are other good men out there I’m sure, but to me there is no man better than my father. The kind of man who woke up every morning to clean off our cars and the one morning I woke up early to do it for him, he got upset because I was sick and shouldn’t be exerting myself too much. The kind of man, who would make pancakes and take a tray up to my mother when she didn’t feel like coming downstairs. The kind of person that we should all aspire to be. Kind, thoughtful, generous, gentle, intelligent, strong….Amazing. He loved all of us, all of his family so much and it was never hard to see. He always made it blatantly apparent that we were the world to him.
I’ve dreaded this day my whole life. I truly believed that when my dad died, I would just die too because I wouldn’t be able to handle life without him. I was partially right because a big piece of me has died and will never come back. But dad being the man he was, made sure to give me enough strength to make it through one moment at a time. I really believe that he is sustaining me during this difficult time and I hope one day I will grow to become more like him.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Today has been rough. I'm feeling very disoriented and out of it. My head pain is still at a maximum, but I still found time to enjoy myself.
Spent some time with my new nephew Asher:
Now Alex is home for the day and we're just kicking back, relaxing and watching movies.
Here's hoping for a better weekend.
Spent some time with my new nephew Asher:
Now Alex is home for the day and we're just kicking back, relaxing and watching movies.
Here's hoping for a better weekend.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Well for those of you who don't know a lot has changed in my life. In November of last year (2010), I had what you would call a nervous breakdown. I was just completely overwhelmed by financial problems, medical problems, and mental health problems. All of these problems kept me from focusing on doing what was most important which is taking care of myself and Alexandria. Everything was slipping away from me...basic everyday care, bills, cleaning...literally everything. It hurts me to think about it, but I definitely wasn't taking very good care of myself, let alone Alexandria. I finally just broke down and realized I couldn't keep living like that and told my family I just couldn't take life in general anymore.
Since then, my parents have pulled me into being a completely different person and I am so much happier. I moved out of my home, which was very hard for me because I hate to rely on anyone and I try to be very independent. I don't like to accept help from others. I'm seeing the specialists I need to see and getting the help I need. I'm completely responsible for Alex's care, but have help and backup if I need it. Don't let me kid you, nothing is ever perfect. I have my moments where I just feel like, "What the hell was I thinking?" But I don't regret it. Because of my health issues, I still have huge financial problems, but I take that one day at a time because there is not much I can do about it.
I've been learning to say "no" to people and put myself and Alex's needs first. This is something I've never done before. I know for some it seems silly, but I am the person that CONSTANTLY is helping others out. So much so, that I would never turn anyone down and end up running myself ragged. I've learned that never give more to a person/relationship than the person/relationship gives back to you. I can't keep giving and giving of myself and get nothing in return. This has been a hugely difficult task for me. For anyone that knows me, I don't say "no" to helping people out often. I have a huge guilt complex but I've greatly improved on this and am proud of myself for it.
There are still a lot of unanswered questions and testing going on medically. They know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, but neither of those explain the left sided weakness, pain, numbness and convulsions/seizures I have going on. They've done so many tests and I am thinking that my next step will be the Mayo Clinic. However my state of mind has never been better. I try to stay positive and enjoy the wonderful aspects of my life.
I plan to post more regularly from now on. I want to make this a sort of diary of my life, that hopefully one day my daughter will look back on fondly.
Right now, I'm doing a test called an ambulatory EEG. It reads my brain waves to see if they can see what is causing my seizures. I have to wear it for three days. I've done a day and a half so far. I can't wait to get this thing off! Here's a picture of the loveliness on my head....
In all it's glory:
Cleverly hidden in a wrap:
The cute little FANNY PACK (blech) I use to carry the machine around in:
Since then, my parents have pulled me into being a completely different person and I am so much happier. I moved out of my home, which was very hard for me because I hate to rely on anyone and I try to be very independent. I don't like to accept help from others. I'm seeing the specialists I need to see and getting the help I need. I'm completely responsible for Alex's care, but have help and backup if I need it. Don't let me kid you, nothing is ever perfect. I have my moments where I just feel like, "What the hell was I thinking?" But I don't regret it. Because of my health issues, I still have huge financial problems, but I take that one day at a time because there is not much I can do about it.
I've been learning to say "no" to people and put myself and Alex's needs first. This is something I've never done before. I know for some it seems silly, but I am the person that CONSTANTLY is helping others out. So much so, that I would never turn anyone down and end up running myself ragged. I've learned that never give more to a person/relationship than the person/relationship gives back to you. I can't keep giving and giving of myself and get nothing in return. This has been a hugely difficult task for me. For anyone that knows me, I don't say "no" to helping people out often. I have a huge guilt complex but I've greatly improved on this and am proud of myself for it.
There are still a lot of unanswered questions and testing going on medically. They know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, but neither of those explain the left sided weakness, pain, numbness and convulsions/seizures I have going on. They've done so many tests and I am thinking that my next step will be the Mayo Clinic. However my state of mind has never been better. I try to stay positive and enjoy the wonderful aspects of my life.
I plan to post more regularly from now on. I want to make this a sort of diary of my life, that hopefully one day my daughter will look back on fondly.
Right now, I'm doing a test called an ambulatory EEG. It reads my brain waves to see if they can see what is causing my seizures. I have to wear it for three days. I've done a day and a half so far. I can't wait to get this thing off! Here's a picture of the loveliness on my head....
In all it's glory:
Cleverly hidden in a wrap:
The cute little FANNY PACK (blech) I use to carry the machine around in:
Saturday, July 17, 2010
So today after being berated by my mother on how shoddy my parenting can be and successfully angering me to no end, I thought, "Wow, even the people who THINK they know about me, really truly DO NOT know." I think there are a lot of people who think they know so much about me and how my mind works, but truly they have no clue. This is not to say that I know everything about anyone. I would NEVER assume that I really know anyone. It's absurd to think that anyone can know the intricate inner workings of another person's mind. While I think I know a lot about my daughter, I know that there a million thoughts a minute that I can never capture.
So what are some of the things that people commonly misconstrue about me? Well I decided that I'll just randomly list some contradictions of things said in no specific order. Take it for what it is.
-I don't have a "style", I just wear what I want, what is comfortable and what looks cute to me. I have no cares about what I look like to other people or what other people think about me.
-People say I'm an easy person to talk too. I really do like to listen to people and try to help or give advice on their lives and problems. I would never pry for information and just take in what they are telling me. This is why I think I'd make a good psychologist. BUT, sometimes I want to talk to my friends and family about what is going on with me too and get their advice. You'd think this was natural, but you'd be wrong.
-People assume that my extreme generosity is a negative thing. That people take advantage of me and while some have, I've NEVER regretted anything I've done for anybody. I don't have some underlying desire to be accepted or anything silly like that. I genuinely like to help people and make people happy. Sometimes things may go sour, but I hope that sometime later in their lives those people remember that I was one of the people who helped them when they needed it.
-Money is important to me. I'd like to know who can live without ANY money, even if it's other people's money. With that being said, it isn't everything. I have principles and there's a lot that I WOULDN'T do for money. I try to do the best with what I have. Sometimes I may go beyond my means, but I always prioritize and make sure what needs to be taken care of, is taken care of.
-I am a very tolerant person. I don't get angry easily. Although it seems I always speak my mind, there are a lot of times that I hold back. Whether or not this is a good thing. I don't really know. Words can be just as hurtful as physical actions. I truly don't want to hurt anyone, even if I don't really know them well. There are a lot of people who annoy the living FUCK out of me, maybe not all the time, but sometimes. I just try to deal with it because I feel the positive aspects of knowing these people outweigh the negative things that come along with knowing them. It takes a lot to push me over the edge. When that time comes you will know because I'll be cutting loose whether it be verbally or physically.
-While those that know me would say I'm outgoing and acting out all the time, I can be very shy. I like to have fun with my life and joke around. When it comes to talking about how I really feel about something I clam up. It's not because I don't trust them or that I'm scared of reactions. It's more because there are a lot of things I'd rather just keep to myself. See above point.
-I'm insecure and confident at the same time. Yes, I know this is contradictory, but I feel that anyone who truly thinks, "Hey I'm fucking PERFECT." Is most likely lying, a complete idiot or a total narcissistic assholes. I love certain things about myself...other things not so much. I feel this makes me human. If you see it as weakness and dislike me for that...well not much I can do about that.
-While I'd NEVER claim that I know everything or that I'm a genius, I'm am much smarter than most people will know. Just because I don't say anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. People often think they are getting one over on me or that I truly think that they like me, when they can't stand me. It's called being civil. It's a complicated concept for some. When it's time to call someone out on something I will, but in the meantime I like to kickback, observe and formulate. That's what I do.
-I'd like to believe that keeping my daughter alive, healthy, and happy for six years would count for something. My mother is not the only one who feels it's necessary to "help" me parent. While I appreciate the help my family, friends and others give me, I'd like to note that at the end of the day, I AM THE ONE raising my daughter. I provide for her needs and wants. No one else can EVER say they've put more physical, emotional, or financial effort into raising her than I have. I can GUAR-AN-FUCKING-TEE it. So while I'm more than open to constructive opinions, I don't really care if you think that you could do it better this way or that way. We live how we live and we like it. We don't live in squalor. She's not starving. She's not depressed. In fact, while I'm not 100% on this, I think she kind of likes me a bit. That's good enough for us, so why can't it be good enough for you?
Okay, well I think I've gone on long enough. There are many more misconceptions I'm sure, but these are the first ones to come to mind. While I don't know how important it is to others that I clear up misunderstandings about myself, I view my personal blog as a diary of sorts and it does make me feel better to get things off of my chest through creative means.
I'll leave you with this song that I got my title from.
So what are some of the things that people commonly misconstrue about me? Well I decided that I'll just randomly list some contradictions of things said in no specific order. Take it for what it is.
-I don't have a "style", I just wear what I want, what is comfortable and what looks cute to me. I have no cares about what I look like to other people or what other people think about me.
-People say I'm an easy person to talk too. I really do like to listen to people and try to help or give advice on their lives and problems. I would never pry for information and just take in what they are telling me. This is why I think I'd make a good psychologist. BUT, sometimes I want to talk to my friends and family about what is going on with me too and get their advice. You'd think this was natural, but you'd be wrong.
-People assume that my extreme generosity is a negative thing. That people take advantage of me and while some have, I've NEVER regretted anything I've done for anybody. I don't have some underlying desire to be accepted or anything silly like that. I genuinely like to help people and make people happy. Sometimes things may go sour, but I hope that sometime later in their lives those people remember that I was one of the people who helped them when they needed it.
-Money is important to me. I'd like to know who can live without ANY money, even if it's other people's money. With that being said, it isn't everything. I have principles and there's a lot that I WOULDN'T do for money. I try to do the best with what I have. Sometimes I may go beyond my means, but I always prioritize and make sure what needs to be taken care of, is taken care of.
-I am a very tolerant person. I don't get angry easily. Although it seems I always speak my mind, there are a lot of times that I hold back. Whether or not this is a good thing. I don't really know. Words can be just as hurtful as physical actions. I truly don't want to hurt anyone, even if I don't really know them well. There are a lot of people who annoy the living FUCK out of me, maybe not all the time, but sometimes. I just try to deal with it because I feel the positive aspects of knowing these people outweigh the negative things that come along with knowing them. It takes a lot to push me over the edge. When that time comes you will know because I'll be cutting loose whether it be verbally or physically.
-While those that know me would say I'm outgoing and acting out all the time, I can be very shy. I like to have fun with my life and joke around. When it comes to talking about how I really feel about something I clam up. It's not because I don't trust them or that I'm scared of reactions. It's more because there are a lot of things I'd rather just keep to myself. See above point.
-I'm insecure and confident at the same time. Yes, I know this is contradictory, but I feel that anyone who truly thinks, "Hey I'm fucking PERFECT." Is most likely lying, a complete idiot or a total narcissistic assholes. I love certain things about myself...other things not so much. I feel this makes me human. If you see it as weakness and dislike me for that...well not much I can do about that.
-While I'd NEVER claim that I know everything or that I'm a genius, I'm am much smarter than most people will know. Just because I don't say anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. People often think they are getting one over on me or that I truly think that they like me, when they can't stand me. It's called being civil. It's a complicated concept for some. When it's time to call someone out on something I will, but in the meantime I like to kickback, observe and formulate. That's what I do.
-I'd like to believe that keeping my daughter alive, healthy, and happy for six years would count for something. My mother is not the only one who feels it's necessary to "help" me parent. While I appreciate the help my family, friends and others give me, I'd like to note that at the end of the day, I AM THE ONE raising my daughter. I provide for her needs and wants. No one else can EVER say they've put more physical, emotional, or financial effort into raising her than I have. I can GUAR-AN-FUCKING-TEE it. So while I'm more than open to constructive opinions, I don't really care if you think that you could do it better this way or that way. We live how we live and we like it. We don't live in squalor. She's not starving. She's not depressed. In fact, while I'm not 100% on this, I think she kind of likes me a bit. That's good enough for us, so why can't it be good enough for you?
Okay, well I think I've gone on long enough. There are many more misconceptions I'm sure, but these are the first ones to come to mind. While I don't know how important it is to others that I clear up misunderstandings about myself, I view my personal blog as a diary of sorts and it does make me feel better to get things off of my chest through creative means.
I'll leave you with this song that I got my title from.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The tightness in my chest, fluttering in my stomach, and breathlessness. I have a love/hate relationship with these feelings. I have so much love in me to share and I can find the good things in any person. So once I start getting to know someone, whether it be a lover or a friend, I feel myself connecting with them. I want to know more and I want to share myself with that person. I want them to share themselves with me. Of course that is a nice thing, but only if the other party feels the same way. I have many good friends and all of my exes except one are still friends of mine. I just can't seem to let that connection go. But sometimes, the other party doesn't want to be as close to me as I want to be with them, or they lose interest in the relationship and they drift away.
This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.
I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.
Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.
This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.
I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.
Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I've obviously been on quite a hiatus from my blog and was feeling a little neglectful.
So as repentance I offer the following:
Today's The Day
My love
Today's the day
No one could care for you
As much as I
I've taken all of you
I know you
We've felt the heat of passion
Experienced that sadness and the laughter
Shared each others' world
But I know now
What I've always known
We've let it get too far
It's too late to avoid the pain
I was blinded by my love for you
To realize all the things that I longed for
All the times we felt
Were nothing compared to all the
Times we hurt each other
It's time
Today's the day
By Rebecca Guzman
That's all I've got for now, but I promise to put up something more later on!
Deuces.
So as repentance I offer the following:
Today's The Day
My love
Today's the day
No one could care for you
As much as I
I've taken all of you
I know you
We've felt the heat of passion
Experienced that sadness and the laughter
Shared each others' world
But I know now
What I've always known
We've let it get too far
It's too late to avoid the pain
I was blinded by my love for you
To realize all the things that I longed for
All the times we felt
Were nothing compared to all the
Times we hurt each other
It's time
Today's the day
By Rebecca Guzman
That's all I've got for now, but I promise to put up something more later on!
Deuces.
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