Song of the Soul

This is an old song, Song of the Soul by Criss Williamson. This song holds so many memories for me. I went to girl scout camp for only two summers, but I still remember us singing this with the almost eerie feeling in the air when everyone sang it together and my sister playing guitar. Everyone felt happy and connected. It was an amazing moment that I will never forget. I feel like this song is just a really uplifting positive song, that feels good to sing. I sing it to my daughter all the time. Maybe sometime I'll record it and show it to you all, but not today. You'll have to settle for this....


Here are the lyrics:
Song of the Soul
(Cris Williamson)

Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul

Chorus: And we'll sing this song
Why don't you sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
Why don't you sing this song
Then we can sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time

What do you do for a living
Are you forgiving, giving shelter
Follow your heart, love will find you
Truth will unbind you
Seek out a song of the soul

Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore yer, you can be happy
Let in the light, it will heal you
And you can feel you
Sing out a song of the soul

Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul




AND the video

The Unanswerable Question

So I've been contemplating recently on a very debatable topic. Are people born gay, or do they become this way? I in no way want to debate with anyone about this. I have 5 gay immediate family members as well as many gay friends. So no one can deny my love, respect and want for equality towards the LGBT community.

I do think it's crazy that all of my siblings are gay except me. So, is it genetic? Were they born that way? Some things make me think that. One person I know displayed feminist traits from a very young age (it was a male). He never really went with the popular thing, preferred gardening and baking to getting dirty and stuff. He never showed interest in girls really. One girl I know dated some guys, but never seemed to really like them. Always seemed more comfortable around women. (For someone like me who feels comfortable with all different types of people I can tell.) Does that make them gay from the start?

I don't know. I see situations, where I feel the outcome may have been different if the upbringing had been different. For example, one girl I know grew up very sheltered. With her mother always being EXTREMELY overprotective. It was imprinted in this girl's mind from a very young age to never be alone with men and to be wary of them. Did this influence her to lose interest in men altogether? Another girl I know was never allowed to go out. Especially with boys. She was only allowed to go out once in a while with her girl friends. Did this make her not even want to get to know any guys, or was she already this way?

I'm not brewing theories or even attempting to answer these questions myself. Truly I feel that there is no answer for this question unless scientists can prove it's genetic, which they haven't yet. I like to believe that it is a combination of circumstance as well as something that you are born with. Maybe that's why some people end up bi. I don't know. Just something I've been thinking about lately.

Mental Musings

So yea, It's been awhile. As I'm sure many people who know me are well aware...my mental state hasn't been what one would call healthy for awhile now. While I'm not like certifiable or anything, I have been pretty down in the dumps and super anxious too boot. My leg shaking is getting on people's nerves at work.

I just let things get to me way too much. I fret over EVERYTHING. So when something really big happens I freak the hell out. I've been like this forever. I've always let everything just roll off. I constantly play the nice guy and get shat on. Turn the other cheek right? But after years of getting metaphorically bitch slapped, I guess it's starting to finally get to me. Some of my friends and family understand. Others are like, well what is the underlying issue here? What brought this on? Can't they fix this? I want to shake the shit out of these people. I truly don't like feeling this way.

I would stop feeling like this if I could. I'm doing what I need to be doing to function and take care of myself and my daughter. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need to be INSTANTLY cured? Can't I just be this other Rebecca for a while until I get these things straightened out? Apparently not. I'm supposed to act freaking happy go lucky and fake until the sun goes down and just bottle the shit up until I am certifiable. FUCK THAT. I have always and FOREVER will be myself. Me. Rebecca Anne-Louise Guzman, born 5/5/81. Don't take that away from me.

I'm going to take my time and make sure I recover properly. I'm going to take my time and make sure that I'm happy with me.

So why am I going on about this? Well for starters, I guess it's to let people know what I am really going through.

I have fibromyalgia. The best way I can describe it is very painful. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia for better definition) I have had it well managed for years but recently with everything happening, I have been in more pain then ever. The only reason I'm not crying in a corner now is because of my wonderful doctor who is helping me with a good combination of medications through all of this. Also, I've been eating pretty healthy and doing yoga/meditation which has helped a lot. One of the most common things with fibro is depression and sleep problems. Hence taking me back to why the hell I'm like this right now.

Also, I'm going through a very hard time with someone I truly love and spent a long time with. He is a wonderful person and has been amazing to me and my daughter. We are trying hard to work through everything, he's still amazing to Alex, and we truly want to make it out of this in the end at the very least as friends. Well that has been a long, hard, stressful road for both of us.

Thirdly, I have friends and family whom have issues going on as well. Like I said earlier, I fret over everything. Even though I know I shouldn't. So all these little problems they're having get to me because I just want them to be happy.

On top of that, throw in raising my child to be happy and normal, working full time, and going to school full-time and voila....you have crazy person Rebecca.

Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my amazing friends and family all of whom have been immensely understanding and completely have been there for me when I need it. I love you more than words can describe.

Thanks for reading! Keep strong, be yourself and be real.