Sunday, April 18, 2010
The tightness in my chest, fluttering in my stomach, and breathlessness. I have a love/hate relationship with these feelings. I have so much love in me to share and I can find the good things in any person. So once I start getting to know someone, whether it be a lover or a friend, I feel myself connecting with them. I want to know more and I want to share myself with that person. I want them to share themselves with me. Of course that is a nice thing, but only if the other party feels the same way. I have many good friends and all of my exes except one are still friends of mine. I just can't seem to let that connection go. But sometimes, the other party doesn't want to be as close to me as I want to be with them, or they lose interest in the relationship and they drift away.
This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.
I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.
Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.
This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.
I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.
Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.
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