You Might Think That You Know Me...

So today after being berated by my mother on how shoddy my parenting can be and successfully angering me to no end, I thought, "Wow, even the people who THINK they know about me, really truly DO NOT know." I think there are a lot of people who think they know so much about me and how my mind works, but truly they have no clue. This is not to say that I know everything about anyone. I would NEVER assume that I really know anyone. It's absurd to think that anyone can know the intricate inner workings of another person's mind. While I think I know a lot about my daughter, I know that there a million thoughts a minute that I can never capture.

So what are some of the things that people commonly misconstrue about me? Well I decided that I'll just randomly list some contradictions of things said in no specific order. Take it for what it is.

-I don't have a "style", I just wear what I want, what is comfortable and what looks cute to me. I have no cares about what I look like to other people or what other people think about me.

-People say I'm an easy person to talk too. I really do like to listen to people and try to help or give advice on their lives and problems. I would never pry for information and just take in what they are telling me. This is why I think I'd make a good psychologist. BUT, sometimes I want to talk to my friends and family about what is going on with me too and get their advice. You'd think this was natural, but you'd be wrong.

-People assume that my extreme generosity is a negative thing. That people take advantage of me and while some have, I've NEVER regretted anything I've done for anybody. I don't have some underlying desire to be accepted or anything silly like that. I genuinely like to help people and make people happy. Sometimes things may go sour, but I hope that sometime later in their lives those people remember that I was one of the people who helped them when they needed it.

-Money is important to me. I'd like to know who can live without ANY money, even if it's other people's money. With that being said, it isn't everything. I have principles and there's a lot that I WOULDN'T do for money. I try to do the best with what I have. Sometimes I may go beyond my means, but I always prioritize and make sure what needs to be taken care of, is taken care of.

-I am a very tolerant person. I don't get angry easily. Although it seems I always speak my mind, there are a lot of times that I hold back. Whether or not this is a good thing. I don't really know. Words can be just as hurtful as physical actions. I truly don't want to hurt anyone, even if I don't really know them well. There are a lot of people who annoy the living FUCK out of me, maybe not all the time, but sometimes. I just try to deal with it because I feel the positive aspects of knowing these people outweigh the negative things that come along with knowing them. It takes a lot to push me over the edge. When that time comes you will know because I'll be cutting loose whether it be verbally or physically.

-While those that know me would say I'm outgoing and acting out all the time, I can be very shy. I like to have fun with my life and joke around. When it comes to talking about how I really feel about something I clam up. It's not because I don't trust them or that I'm scared of reactions. It's more because there are a lot of things I'd rather just keep to myself. See above point.

-I'm insecure and confident at the same time. Yes, I know this is contradictory, but I feel that anyone who truly thinks, "Hey I'm fucking PERFECT." Is most likely lying, a complete idiot or a total narcissistic assholes. I love certain things about myself...other things not so much. I feel this makes me human. If you see it as weakness and dislike me for that...well not much I can do about that.

-While I'd NEVER claim that I know everything or that I'm a genius, I'm am much smarter than most people will know. Just because I don't say anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. People often think they are getting one over on me or that I truly think that they like me, when they can't stand me. It's called being civil. It's a complicated concept for some. When it's time to call someone out on something I will, but in the meantime I like to kickback, observe and formulate. That's what I do.

-I'd like to believe that keeping my daughter alive, healthy, and happy for six years would count for something. My mother is not the only one who feels it's necessary to "help" me parent. While I appreciate the help my family, friends and others give me, I'd like to note that at the end of the day, I AM THE ONE raising my daughter. I provide for her needs and wants. No one else can EVER say they've put more physical, emotional, or financial effort into raising her than I have. I can GUAR-AN-FUCKING-TEE it. So while I'm more than open to constructive opinions, I don't really care if you think that you could do it better this way or that way. We live how we live and we like it. We don't live in squalor. She's not starving. She's not depressed. In fact, while I'm not 100% on this, I think she kind of likes me a bit. That's good enough for us, so why can't it be good enough for you?

Okay, well I think I've gone on long enough. There are many more misconceptions I'm sure, but these are the first ones to come to mind. While I don't know how important it is to others that I clear up misunderstandings about myself, I view my personal blog as a diary of sorts and it does make me feel better to get things off of my chest through creative means.

I'll leave you with this song that I got my title from.

Too Much Love??

The tightness in my chest, fluttering in my stomach, and breathlessness. I have a love/hate relationship with these feelings. I have so much love in me to share and I can find the good things in any person. So once I start getting to know someone, whether it be a lover or a friend, I feel myself connecting with them. I want to know more and I want to share myself with that person. I want them to share themselves with me. Of course that is a nice thing, but only if the other party feels the same way. I have many good friends and all of my exes except one are still friends of mine. I just can't seem to let that connection go. But sometimes, the other party doesn't want to be as close to me as I want to be with them, or they lose interest in the relationship and they drift away.

This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.

I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.

Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.

Today's The Day

I've obviously been on quite a hiatus from my blog and was feeling a little neglectful.

So as repentance I offer the following:

Today's The Day

My love
Today's the day
No one could care for you
As much as I
I've taken all of you
I know you
We've felt the heat of passion
Experienced that sadness and the laughter
Shared each others' world
But I know now
What I've always known
We've let it get too far
It's too late to avoid the pain
I was blinded by my love for you
To realize all the things that I longed for
All the times we felt
Were nothing compared to all the
Times we hurt each other
It's time
Today's the day

By Rebecca Guzman


That's all I've got for now, but I promise to put up something more later on!

Deuces.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

So, lately there has been miscellaneous drama in my various friends' respective lives. As much as I try to stay away from drama, I somehow still end up hearing about it. While I try to remain as objective as possible, view things from all points of view, and give unbiased advice...I still can't help thinking...is it really possible for a cheater to be rehabilitated? Can they learn from a mistake and make sure it never happens again in another relationship or in the same relationship? I'm a firm believer in second chances, but I can tell you from first-hand experience that once the trust in a relationship is damaged...well it's very very hard to repair. It always is in the back of your mind and truthfully I personally have never been able to get past it. Sure I may have stayed and tried to work things out, but in the end...I couldn't do it. There was just no trust.

Now I look at other people and I see a person who's cheated, their partner forgave them. They seem to be happy and are slowly moving past it. It really seems as though the will recover.

On the other hand, I see friends who cheat on practically every girl/boy they're with and just can't seem to stop themselves.

Here's what I don't get. There's a situation right now, I'm going to change the names obviously because I don't want to bust anybody out. Andrew had a girlfriend and he cheated on her with a girl named Angela. Andrew is sleeping with Angela, knowing that his close friend Marc really really likes her. Andrew breaks up with his girlfriend and starts dating Angela. Eventually Marc finds out Andrew and Angela are together. While he is pissed off at first, Marc and Andrew decide friendship is more important and still remain friends. Now might I add that Angela, Andrew and Marc are part of a much larger group of friends that always kick it together. Various dramatic things happen and they break up. Andrew still really cares about Angela, but starts messing around with other women, slowly getting over it. Messing with people's feelings in the process, but that's another story for another time....moving on...time passes, while there are little arguments here and there between Angela and Andrew, overall the group of friends remain intact. Then something crazy happens. Angela starts dating Marc! Well, Andrew is pissed and Marc justifies it saying that he's just doing to Andrew, what Andrew had done to him. My take on all this is probably irrelevant, but Angela starts to look like a slut who's looking to go where the drama is and Marc and Andrew both look like...well...idiots for lack of a better term. The problem now is that all of the group is in disarray. Whose fault is it? No one really and truthfully at this point it doesn't really matter. Andrew and Angela were wrong for what they did. Marc should know that two wrongs don't make a right. Should Marc really risk losing his friend for a girl that didn't hesitate to sleep with a guy who had a girlfriend? Time will tell. The point is cheating started it all.

To me, if you're a cheater once, odds are you'll probably do it again. I feel like if you don't really care for monogamous relationships, then don't have one. If you just want one because you like the comfortability that comes with it, but you also want some action on the side too...well, grow the fuck up. You can't have it both ways.