Rough Patch

Yeah, so about that whole staying positive...I'm really trying, but it's hard. It's been a rough few weeks. Adjusting to life without my day has been difficult for all of us. Today, I'm home sick because as usual my immune system is shit. Caught some nasty virus. It just seems like one thing after another. Car problems, problems around the house, everyone getting sick, financial crap...an overload for us all. We take one mountain at a time, however frustrating it may be.

With all my health problems, I am a bit concerned. I don't want to lose my job, but there are some days when I just can't function at home, forget about working. I'm glad they have been understanding thus far. I pray that they keep being understanding.

At the end of the day, I'm really fortunate to have friends and family who love Alex and I. They have been here for us and I truly appreciate it.

Eulogy for My Father

For those who don't know, my father passed away 9/17/11. Here's is my Eulogy I wrote:

Most people never have the opportunity to see an angel, or simply do not look well enough to see them walking among us. This however does not mean they don't exist. Me, I'm one of the lucky few, not only have I seen an angel, I got to call him my best friend. My father was truly my best friend. I talked to him about everything, called him several times a day, even though I always saw him nearly every day. I’m what most would identify as a “daddy’s girl”. My friends used to pick on me because I would call him and no matter how silly the request I had, my dad would oblige. I always tried to express my appreciation to him, but somehow it feels like it was never enough. He touched the lives of everyone he met and would strike up conversation with anyone, anywhere. People, who haven’t seen him in years or have only met him once or twice, can look back fondly and remember the effect he had on them with his positivity and kindness. He was a laid-back person, who rarely got angry or raised his voice. I can count on one hand the times he yelled at me and remember each occasion, because they were so rare. He was overall an amazing human being, there are other good men out there I’m sure, but to me there is no man better than my father. The kind of man who woke up every morning to clean off our cars and the one morning I woke up early to do it for him, he got upset because I was sick and shouldn’t be exerting myself too much. The kind of man, who would make pancakes and take a tray up to my mother when she didn’t feel like coming downstairs. The kind of person that we should all aspire to be. Kind, thoughtful, generous, gentle, intelligent, strong….Amazing. He loved all of us, all of his family so much and it was never hard to see. He always made it blatantly apparent that we were the world to him.
I’ve dreaded this day my whole life. I truly believed that when my dad died, I would just die too because I wouldn’t be able to handle life without him. I was partially right because a big piece of me has died and will never come back. But dad being the man he was, made sure to give me enough strength to make it through one moment at a time. I really believe that he is sustaining me during this difficult time and I hope one day I will grow to become more like him.

Lazy Hazy Day

Today has been rough. I'm feeling very disoriented and out of it. My head pain is still at a maximum, but I still found time to enjoy myself.

Spent some time with my new nephew Asher:










Now Alex is home for the day and we're just kicking back, relaxing and watching movies.




Here's hoping for a better weekend.

Life Changes

Well for those of you who don't know a lot has changed in my life. In November of last year (2010), I had what you would call a nervous breakdown. I was just completely overwhelmed by financial problems, medical problems, and mental health problems. All of these problems kept me from focusing on doing what was most important which is taking care of myself and Alexandria. Everything was slipping away from me...basic everyday care, bills, cleaning...literally everything. It hurts me to think about it, but I definitely wasn't taking very good care of myself, let alone Alexandria. I finally just broke down and realized I couldn't keep living like that and told my family I just couldn't take life in general anymore.

Since then, my parents have pulled me into being a completely different person and I am so much happier. I moved out of my home, which was very hard for me because I hate to rely on anyone and I try to be very independent. I don't like to accept help from others. I'm seeing the specialists I need to see and getting the help I need. I'm completely responsible for Alex's care, but have help and backup if I need it. Don't let me kid you, nothing is ever perfect. I have my moments where I just feel like, "What the hell was I thinking?" But I don't regret it. Because of my health issues, I still have huge financial problems, but I take that one day at a time because there is not much I can do about it.

I've been learning to say "no" to people and put myself and Alex's needs first. This is something I've never done before. I know for some it seems silly, but I am the person that CONSTANTLY is helping others out. So much so, that I would never turn anyone down and end up running myself ragged. I've learned that never give more to a person/relationship than the person/relationship gives back to you. I can't keep giving and giving of myself and get nothing in return. This has been a hugely difficult task for me. For anyone that knows me, I don't say "no" to helping people out often. I have a huge guilt complex but I've greatly improved on this and am proud of myself for it.

There are still a lot of unanswered questions and testing going on medically. They know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, but neither of those explain the left sided weakness, pain, numbness and convulsions/seizures I have going on. They've done so many tests and I am thinking that my next step will be the Mayo Clinic. However my state of mind has never been better. I try to stay positive and enjoy the wonderful aspects of my life.

I plan to post more regularly from now on. I want to make this a sort of diary of my life, that hopefully one day my daughter will look back on fondly.

Right now, I'm doing a test called an ambulatory EEG. It reads my brain waves to see if they can see what is causing my seizures. I have to wear it for three days. I've done a day and a half so far. I can't wait to get this thing off! Here's a picture of the loveliness on my head....


In all it's glory:



Cleverly hidden in a wrap:



The cute little FANNY PACK (blech) I use to carry the machine around in: