Sunday, April 18, 2010
The tightness in my chest, fluttering in my stomach, and breathlessness. I have a love/hate relationship with these feelings. I have so much love in me to share and I can find the good things in any person. So once I start getting to know someone, whether it be a lover or a friend, I feel myself connecting with them. I want to know more and I want to share myself with that person. I want them to share themselves with me. Of course that is a nice thing, but only if the other party feels the same way. I have many good friends and all of my exes except one are still friends of mine. I just can't seem to let that connection go. But sometimes, the other party doesn't want to be as close to me as I want to be with them, or they lose interest in the relationship and they drift away.
This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.
I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.
Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.
This is what I hate. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself baring my soul and heart to someone. Then they slowly disappear from my life or don't show any interest in me. I take it too personally and wind up feeling very hurt. Often times I feel like I'm putting much more in than the other person, or I feel like they take advantage of my kindness and only are my "friend" when it's convenient for them and helps them out in someway.
I think everyone feels this way at some point. You meet a person who just says something that just makes so much sense and you're like "aha" it's like a metaphorical light is shining down saying "this person understands me". Or you meet someone you intimately drawn to. They give you a kiss or a hug and you just feel it flowing through your whole body. Everyone wonders, "Does this person feel like that too?" People can torture themselves with the infinite questions.
Many times I've sat back and analyzed this. I wonder if I do this to myself. Why do I get wrapped up in people? Should I try harder to shut more people out? But then I feel like I'm not really being true to myself. This is who I am. I'm a very caring and loving person by nature. The people I care about, know how much I care about them. What they decide to do with that tiny piece of myself I've given to them, is up to them. The truth is I don't think I'll ever run out. I've been alive almost 29 years and I'm still the same way I was when I was a small child. Forever trusting and letting people in until they give me a reason to push them away or until they push me away. Is this the wrong way to live? I don't know the answer, but for me it's the only way I know. I hope at some point the people that I care about whose feelings I don't know will be as forthcoming as me and let me know that they cherish me as much as I cherish them. That is my happiness.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I've obviously been on quite a hiatus from my blog and was feeling a little neglectful.
So as repentance I offer the following:
Today's The Day
My love
Today's the day
No one could care for you
As much as I
I've taken all of you
I know you
We've felt the heat of passion
Experienced that sadness and the laughter
Shared each others' world
But I know now
What I've always known
We've let it get too far
It's too late to avoid the pain
I was blinded by my love for you
To realize all the things that I longed for
All the times we felt
Were nothing compared to all the
Times we hurt each other
It's time
Today's the day
By Rebecca Guzman
That's all I've got for now, but I promise to put up something more later on!
Deuces.
So as repentance I offer the following:
Today's The Day
My love
Today's the day
No one could care for you
As much as I
I've taken all of you
I know you
We've felt the heat of passion
Experienced that sadness and the laughter
Shared each others' world
But I know now
What I've always known
We've let it get too far
It's too late to avoid the pain
I was blinded by my love for you
To realize all the things that I longed for
All the times we felt
Were nothing compared to all the
Times we hurt each other
It's time
Today's the day
By Rebecca Guzman
That's all I've got for now, but I promise to put up something more later on!
Deuces.
Friday, January 15, 2010
So, lately there has been miscellaneous drama in my various friends' respective lives. As much as I try to stay away from drama, I somehow still end up hearing about it. While I try to remain as objective as possible, view things from all points of view, and give unbiased advice...I still can't help thinking...is it really possible for a cheater to be rehabilitated? Can they learn from a mistake and make sure it never happens again in another relationship or in the same relationship? I'm a firm believer in second chances, but I can tell you from first-hand experience that once the trust in a relationship is damaged...well it's very very hard to repair. It always is in the back of your mind and truthfully I personally have never been able to get past it. Sure I may have stayed and tried to work things out, but in the end...I couldn't do it. There was just no trust.
Now I look at other people and I see a person who's cheated, their partner forgave them. They seem to be happy and are slowly moving past it. It really seems as though the will recover.
On the other hand, I see friends who cheat on practically every girl/boy they're with and just can't seem to stop themselves.
Here's what I don't get. There's a situation right now, I'm going to change the names obviously because I don't want to bust anybody out. Andrew had a girlfriend and he cheated on her with a girl named Angela. Andrew is sleeping with Angela, knowing that his close friend Marc really really likes her. Andrew breaks up with his girlfriend and starts dating Angela. Eventually Marc finds out Andrew and Angela are together. While he is pissed off at first, Marc and Andrew decide friendship is more important and still remain friends. Now might I add that Angela, Andrew and Marc are part of a much larger group of friends that always kick it together. Various dramatic things happen and they break up. Andrew still really cares about Angela, but starts messing around with other women, slowly getting over it. Messing with people's feelings in the process, but that's another story for another time....moving on...time passes, while there are little arguments here and there between Angela and Andrew, overall the group of friends remain intact. Then something crazy happens. Angela starts dating Marc! Well, Andrew is pissed and Marc justifies it saying that he's just doing to Andrew, what Andrew had done to him. My take on all this is probably irrelevant, but Angela starts to look like a slut who's looking to go where the drama is and Marc and Andrew both look like...well...idiots for lack of a better term. The problem now is that all of the group is in disarray. Whose fault is it? No one really and truthfully at this point it doesn't really matter. Andrew and Angela were wrong for what they did. Marc should know that two wrongs don't make a right. Should Marc really risk losing his friend for a girl that didn't hesitate to sleep with a guy who had a girlfriend? Time will tell. The point is cheating started it all.
To me, if you're a cheater once, odds are you'll probably do it again. I feel like if you don't really care for monogamous relationships, then don't have one. If you just want one because you like the comfortability that comes with it, but you also want some action on the side too...well, grow the fuck up. You can't have it both ways.
Now I look at other people and I see a person who's cheated, their partner forgave them. They seem to be happy and are slowly moving past it. It really seems as though the will recover.
On the other hand, I see friends who cheat on practically every girl/boy they're with and just can't seem to stop themselves.
Here's what I don't get. There's a situation right now, I'm going to change the names obviously because I don't want to bust anybody out. Andrew had a girlfriend and he cheated on her with a girl named Angela. Andrew is sleeping with Angela, knowing that his close friend Marc really really likes her. Andrew breaks up with his girlfriend and starts dating Angela. Eventually Marc finds out Andrew and Angela are together. While he is pissed off at first, Marc and Andrew decide friendship is more important and still remain friends. Now might I add that Angela, Andrew and Marc are part of a much larger group of friends that always kick it together. Various dramatic things happen and they break up. Andrew still really cares about Angela, but starts messing around with other women, slowly getting over it. Messing with people's feelings in the process, but that's another story for another time....moving on...time passes, while there are little arguments here and there between Angela and Andrew, overall the group of friends remain intact. Then something crazy happens. Angela starts dating Marc! Well, Andrew is pissed and Marc justifies it saying that he's just doing to Andrew, what Andrew had done to him. My take on all this is probably irrelevant, but Angela starts to look like a slut who's looking to go where the drama is and Marc and Andrew both look like...well...idiots for lack of a better term. The problem now is that all of the group is in disarray. Whose fault is it? No one really and truthfully at this point it doesn't really matter. Andrew and Angela were wrong for what they did. Marc should know that two wrongs don't make a right. Should Marc really risk losing his friend for a girl that didn't hesitate to sleep with a guy who had a girlfriend? Time will tell. The point is cheating started it all.
To me, if you're a cheater once, odds are you'll probably do it again. I feel like if you don't really care for monogamous relationships, then don't have one. If you just want one because you like the comfortability that comes with it, but you also want some action on the side too...well, grow the fuck up. You can't have it both ways.
Friday, December 4, 2009
So this is something I've been pondering on now for a few months. Are long distance relationships possible? Can they work? Truth is I'm talking to someone who lives VERY far away and while I'm absolutely crazy about him, it's really hard not being able to see him, hug him, or go out on a date. However, I really don't want to stop talking to him either. He's a wonderful person, he makes me laugh and smile everyday. He's laid-back and easy going, understanding and caring. I feel like for once, I'm talking to a guy who really gets me. What more could you want in a guy?
Of course my initial thought was, "Why is it with so many men here, that I like the one that is a bajillion miles away?" My next line of thinking was, when do you get to that point where you're like, "Geez, this isn't going to work?" Because I haven't gotten there yet. I've seen many of my friends and family who have tried the whole long distance thing and in the end, it failed miserably. However, I have seen some of my friends who are separated from their spouses or significant others for LOOOONG periods of time and yet, they are immensely happy with their partners, even if they do wish they could see them in person a little (or a lot) more often.
The reason I'm questioning this is of course my own situation. It really caused me to reflect on my past thoughts and actions. In the past, I would say, "No, there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY that a long-distance thing can work at all." While I've made many fantastic friends from many different countries, it's not the same as wanting a relationship with someone so far away. I've re-evaluated myself and thought, "Am I fighting the inevitable?" Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that it is possible because I want it to be possible. But...if it is impossible, why am I still able to feel this way over someone so far away? Why is that so many of my friends can do this? It makes it seem less impossible to me. It's a conundrum I tell you. I'm trying not to get to far ahead of myself of course, because I don't want to be hurt if it doesn't work, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to hold back my feelings just because of distance.
Of course my initial thought was, "Why is it with so many men here, that I like the one that is a bajillion miles away?" My next line of thinking was, when do you get to that point where you're like, "Geez, this isn't going to work?" Because I haven't gotten there yet. I've seen many of my friends and family who have tried the whole long distance thing and in the end, it failed miserably. However, I have seen some of my friends who are separated from their spouses or significant others for LOOOONG periods of time and yet, they are immensely happy with their partners, even if they do wish they could see them in person a little (or a lot) more often.
The reason I'm questioning this is of course my own situation. It really caused me to reflect on my past thoughts and actions. In the past, I would say, "No, there is ABSOLUTLY NO WAY that a long-distance thing can work at all." While I've made many fantastic friends from many different countries, it's not the same as wanting a relationship with someone so far away. I've re-evaluated myself and thought, "Am I fighting the inevitable?" Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that it is possible because I want it to be possible. But...if it is impossible, why am I still able to feel this way over someone so far away? Why is that so many of my friends can do this? It makes it seem less impossible to me. It's a conundrum I tell you. I'm trying not to get to far ahead of myself of course, because I don't want to be hurt if it doesn't work, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to hold back my feelings just because of distance.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I love classical music. It's one of those things that I truly live for. I've played piano for 20 years...NEVER, not even once did I consider it something I could make a career out of. I love to play for the love of playing. I get physically ill at the idea of performing in front of others. I've done it and it was definitely something I was glad I experienced.
I'm sure many people who have an instrument that the are proficient at, as they have worked toward mastering their craft, they have at times felt inadequate. I feel that a lot, many children started playing piano at 3 or 4 years old and where playing the same pieces as me when I was ten, because I had only started when I was eight. As I've gotten older, I've learned to love playing for myself and not criticized myself as much.
However, I could never really get the whole thought of child prodigies out of my head. I know that some children are just born with an innate gift that makes them extremely well at playing by ear, or just have a natural talent for an instrument/s. However, I cringe at the thought of a 8 or 9 year old practicing for 8-10 hours daily. It's insane. I also am realistic in knowing that compared to natural "geniuses", there are many more children whom are pushed into playing an instrument at an early age and are aggressively held to ridiculous standards by their parents. More children do it because they have to then because they love to. I am so glad that my parents never forced an instrument onto me. Because of that I was able to love music and appreciate all instruments. I also learned to play many instruments because of my own curiosity.
I thought today, I would post some of my FAVORITE classical songs, played by children prodigies. I truly hope you enjoy.
This is Henryk Wieniawski - Scherzo Tarantelle, and is EXTREMELY difficult to play. It is said the Wieniawski is one of the most difficult composers to play on violin.
This is Liszt - La campanella an amazing piano song.
Chopin - Fantaisie Impromptu. Chopin is one of my favorite composers. <3
Okay and while there are MANY more, here is my final one, from the movie The Red Violin (If you haven't seen, you seriously should. Excellent film. Stars Samuel L Jackson)...anyhoo, they have a slew of young boys playing this song written just for the movie. It's eerily catchy and I loves it! Music of the song starts around one minute, and I could not find another video except this one, they would not let me embed it, so I posted just the link. Sorry :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoFT5Kr3pRA
I'm sure many people who have an instrument that the are proficient at, as they have worked toward mastering their craft, they have at times felt inadequate. I feel that a lot, many children started playing piano at 3 or 4 years old and where playing the same pieces as me when I was ten, because I had only started when I was eight. As I've gotten older, I've learned to love playing for myself and not criticized myself as much.
However, I could never really get the whole thought of child prodigies out of my head. I know that some children are just born with an innate gift that makes them extremely well at playing by ear, or just have a natural talent for an instrument/s. However, I cringe at the thought of a 8 or 9 year old practicing for 8-10 hours daily. It's insane. I also am realistic in knowing that compared to natural "geniuses", there are many more children whom are pushed into playing an instrument at an early age and are aggressively held to ridiculous standards by their parents. More children do it because they have to then because they love to. I am so glad that my parents never forced an instrument onto me. Because of that I was able to love music and appreciate all instruments. I also learned to play many instruments because of my own curiosity.
I thought today, I would post some of my FAVORITE classical songs, played by children prodigies. I truly hope you enjoy.
This is Henryk Wieniawski - Scherzo Tarantelle, and is EXTREMELY difficult to play. It is said the Wieniawski is one of the most difficult composers to play on violin.
This is Liszt - La campanella an amazing piano song.
Chopin - Fantaisie Impromptu. Chopin is one of my favorite composers. <3
Okay and while there are MANY more, here is my final one, from the movie The Red Violin (If you haven't seen, you seriously should. Excellent film. Stars Samuel L Jackson)...anyhoo, they have a slew of young boys playing this song written just for the movie. It's eerily catchy and I loves it! Music of the song starts around one minute, and I could not find another video except this one, they would not let me embed it, so I posted just the link. Sorry :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoFT5Kr3pRA
Saturday, September 19, 2009
First of all, I hate this term. Baby Daddy, Baby momma...how about the mother of my child or the father of my child...or Alex's dad or Alex's mom? The term itself is diminishing and WE ALL know it has a negative connotation to it.
So why am I bringing this up? I have been guilty of complaining about Alex's dad, but when reflecting on it, things could be a lot worse. I guess I look at some of my male friends who are excellent fathers and get the shaft. Other male friends are not, but constantly complain about the women that they leave their child in the care of. I look at some of my female friends and they have children whose fathers are amazing, but they still constantly complain. I also have female friends who don't have their children often, but constantly complain about the man they leave their child in the care of.
Something about this drives me crazy. I know that relationships don't always work out, or that the child was not planned in a relationship that wasn't meant to be forever. That's okay. But the primary focus should be on the happiness and well being of the child. It would be awesome if both parents were involved and could get along well, but it doesn't always happen like that. Complaining about too much involvement or lack there of is not going to help change anything and is probably harming your child.
I have to admit I've seen some pretty unfair situations. One friend has a child he takes half of the time, pays for the child's private education and extracurricular activites. On top of this he is an amazing father who cherishes his child very much. He pays child support. Does that seem fair? Not really, but he doesn't care. What irks me is that this child's mother is not appreciative and is constantly complaining about how he is not doing enough, when it's obvious to even the stupidest person that he is going well above and beyond expectations.
On the flip side I have female friends, who once they got pregnant, never saw that child's father. The father sees the child once in a great while, but yet he feels he has the right to consistently question the way she is raising "their" child. Ummm...if you don't do anything, then you have NO RIGHT to question how she does things.
I guess the point of all this is that no matter how tough of a situation is, it could ALWAYS be worse. I give big props to ALL of my friends with children, who I know do the best they can to be the best parents they can. I'm in no way trying to offend anyone. I just ask that before we (yes I need to do it too) start to point fingers or complain or start problems or argue, that we think about whether or not it is really going to accomplish anything and if it is in some way going to benefit you or your child. If not, then it's probably better off not said.
So why am I bringing this up? I have been guilty of complaining about Alex's dad, but when reflecting on it, things could be a lot worse. I guess I look at some of my male friends who are excellent fathers and get the shaft. Other male friends are not, but constantly complain about the women that they leave their child in the care of. I look at some of my female friends and they have children whose fathers are amazing, but they still constantly complain. I also have female friends who don't have their children often, but constantly complain about the man they leave their child in the care of.
Something about this drives me crazy. I know that relationships don't always work out, or that the child was not planned in a relationship that wasn't meant to be forever. That's okay. But the primary focus should be on the happiness and well being of the child. It would be awesome if both parents were involved and could get along well, but it doesn't always happen like that. Complaining about too much involvement or lack there of is not going to help change anything and is probably harming your child.
I have to admit I've seen some pretty unfair situations. One friend has a child he takes half of the time, pays for the child's private education and extracurricular activites. On top of this he is an amazing father who cherishes his child very much. He pays child support. Does that seem fair? Not really, but he doesn't care. What irks me is that this child's mother is not appreciative and is constantly complaining about how he is not doing enough, when it's obvious to even the stupidest person that he is going well above and beyond expectations.
On the flip side I have female friends, who once they got pregnant, never saw that child's father. The father sees the child once in a great while, but yet he feels he has the right to consistently question the way she is raising "their" child. Ummm...if you don't do anything, then you have NO RIGHT to question how she does things.
I guess the point of all this is that no matter how tough of a situation is, it could ALWAYS be worse. I give big props to ALL of my friends with children, who I know do the best they can to be the best parents they can. I'm in no way trying to offend anyone. I just ask that before we (yes I need to do it too) start to point fingers or complain or start problems or argue, that we think about whether or not it is really going to accomplish anything and if it is in some way going to benefit you or your child. If not, then it's probably better off not said.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
This is an old song, Song of the Soul by Criss Williamson. This song holds so many memories for me. I went to girl scout camp for only two summers, but I still remember us singing this with the almost eerie feeling in the air when everyone sang it together and my sister playing guitar. Everyone felt happy and connected. It was an amazing moment that I will never forget. I feel like this song is just a really uplifting positive song, that feels good to sing. I sing it to my daughter all the time. Maybe sometime I'll record it and show it to you all, but not today. You'll have to settle for this....
Here are the lyrics:
Song of the Soul
(Cris Williamson)
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
Chorus: And we'll sing this song
Why don't you sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
Why don't you sing this song
Then we can sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
What do you do for a living
Are you forgiving, giving shelter
Follow your heart, love will find you
Truth will unbind you
Seek out a song of the soul
Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore yer, you can be happy
Let in the light, it will heal you
And you can feel you
Sing out a song of the soul
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
AND the video
Here are the lyrics:
Song of the Soul
(Cris Williamson)
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
Chorus: And we'll sing this song
Why don't you sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
Why don't you sing this song
Then we can sing along
Then we can sing for a long, long time
What do you do for a living
Are you forgiving, giving shelter
Follow your heart, love will find you
Truth will unbind you
Seek out a song of the soul
Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore yer, you can be happy
Let in the light, it will heal you
And you can feel you
Sing out a song of the soul
Love of my life I am crying
I am not dying, I am dancing
Dancing along in the madness
There is no sadness
Only the song of the soul
AND the video
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